Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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