I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
