I'm drive I can fine osifer
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
