She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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