so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
