I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
