i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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