Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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