I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
