Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
