i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
