But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
