Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
