my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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