I CAN MOONWALK!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
