i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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