so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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