Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
