if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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