Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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