So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
