I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
