I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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