My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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