I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
