I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
