Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
