I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
if only i could text you this smell
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
