Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
