That's when you crack a 10am beer
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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