I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
