i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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