i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize