You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
