Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
