Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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