my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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