I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Small penises have feelings too.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
