my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.