You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dating After Heartbreak
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.