How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
