I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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