at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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