i don't like sucking hair
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
