my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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