I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
