yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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