I just cut my nipple shaving
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
