Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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