the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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