after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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