he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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