You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
