Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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