I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
