I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
